twoforonedeal's Journal
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Tuesday, May 16, 2006
10:02PM
I love my friends like a bum loves a new shoe. They're only half my life but they make all the difference. This is a story. A story unlike anyother story. A story inwhich there is death... ok no death... DRAMA, THRILLS, SPILLS, with no pills, beaking into pools.
Stealing large amounts of candy, feeling dandy.
Actully... I just made myself bored by thinking to hard about all that.. damn.
k bye.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
4:04PM
I HAVE A CRUSH....
AGAIN....
HMmmmmmmmmmmmm
I GOT A NEW PHONE MY FRIENDS.....
Thursday, May 11, 2006
"Yes... Im a senior... No im not walking... cause i fucked up... what do you mean how... How the hell does anyone fuck up so bad they cant walk with there class. Maybe your th fucking dumbass that cant fgure that out. Get the fuck out of my face!"
No. I have not and will never ever explode at someone like that. But i sware im building it up on the inside..
so heres the deal. i have a confesion.
I am ryan, and the ryan you see everyday is true.. but theres a hidden me. The old me.
Before oh say 8th grade i was the kid... the bully who faught for no reason, told teachers to fuck off... did what ever i wanted and i was hated for it.
I remember one time, this kid... whom i appologized to later on... saved me from getting in trouble. I rememberbeing on the grounds and i was picking on him. I punched him in the cheast and he started to cry. his mom had just so happen to be picking him up at that time and came out to get him. After seing him she said whats the matter what happend. And he jsut sat there and said... "ryan was helping me, i fell."
Seriousy i have tears in my eyes thinking about it.
We bcame friends but ill never forget it...
I guess what im trying to say is i feel things building up in me again... i was picked on all the time when i was younger and i then picked on others..
i know i wont but its like when im alone, im angry... and mad at myself and want to put myself down.. ive never felt this before.
Ive always loved life since i changed. Always sweet and caring and like wanting to help. and i always will. but whats wrong with me... to me!
This doesnt even make sense... maybe to me, but i wouldnt expect anyone to understand. I just dont understand my mind..
here, its like. half of me is like do all you can do and love life too. and the other half is saying, you cant fucking do it, you fail every time. what are you doing. stop. just give up. stop. stop.
Stop breathing.
Monday, May 8, 2006
3:49PM
Hey, im ready to be loved now...
Wednesday, May 3, 2006
DID you know... Im back on livejournal... only cause tahoes always like.. and i quote! "I wonderwhat so and so's doing. ill check there live.. to find out"
lol Tahoe dennis... You crazy fool. Your my best friend... and steven jake alex nate ... ya know.
Two words "Jidder bug" jidder bug.. you bring the boom boom into my heart, you set my soul sky high when your lovin starts!
Now let me get down to earth.. and not bore you... so ill keep it "ryanend" up... yes Ryanend up.
Lets bust it out with the Ex... dum dum dum...
You know when you sit there. and you just got off the phone with them and you say to yourself
"Why the fuck am i hear sad because i want this biatch..."
basically she lied, wined and cheated her way out, shes gone because i put my foot down.
Total hours wasted on her... 2 months... Ryan 1. hailey 4056...
damn it. good thing i still have some heart left.. i hope
HAPPY NOTE HAPPY NOTE> yes kids its that time..
PAAAA ROM!, prom. Simply the most amazing night of my highschool carreer. I FELT STELLER in my suit.. oh yes i felt great. and i was quite happy the whole night! Brinon, my date, looked wonderful and she was probly the best date ever seeings how she put up with me.. haha you all jsut laughed a bit! nah we were coool with dancing with others and running around and we both ended up happy at the end of the night.
oo yes... hot tub time! clearly an amazing time, especially when i broke out the SKYY..some of you just made a face like. damn that ryan!
others are like damn if i had not had that skyy i wouldnt have gotten ANY! good job. lol
NO NO! THE PEOPLE THERE MADE ME SO HAPPY, SOME MORE THAN OTHERS! I THANK THEM ALL
now things are back to normal. ryan sits and thinks damn i would like someone to hold... i need a beer... i got school tomorrow. thank god schools tomorrow. Um wel
i want a hug.
please.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
10:49PM - ?
Can anyone tell me who i really am.
Trespassing is the key.
And then through death valley
to an oasis.
At the oasis ill be waiting
in silk cloths from a far.
Sitting there i will ask you
"who are you"
and you will not respond with a name.
Then there you will know who i am.
Monday, November 14, 2005
hello my friends,
im glad you have gathered here today.
im dressed in my best, classy shirt,
and my beautiful silk tie.
my shoes are pollished and
the laces are even.
the black socks i have
match my tie.
my hair is neetly combed.
my teeth brushed and
i shaved today.
my boxers are perry ellis,
pretty high class.
isnt it great,
i chose not to wear pants.
why may you ask?
i have nothing to hide.
i dress to impress but i am
who i am.
a pantless nicely dressed friend.
you can count on me.
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Wheres my love?
Wheres my future?
Who will tuck me in at night?
Who will pack my lunch?
What will satisfy me?
What is my true desire?
My best friend stevens got a girlfriend now
i just got placed on the other side of the wall
a brick wall were with a iron door
a iron door with a slide
a slide you speck through when you feel you fit in
when you fit in is rare
and rare is Infrequently occurring; uncommon
uncommon is the feeling of alone
and i am so alone.
I want someone to hold. someone to hold me.
cause right now, im in need of a hug
NOVEMBER 12: I will be unloading my past, present and future in a poetry known as "SLAM" and it will hurt, it will make you wonder and it will not sound like me! but it is, and thats what makes a slam is its going to be the truth, the full truth and nothing BUT THE FUCKIN truth about everything.
i will be awesome, now i wrote a poem, and i might wnat to improve it. i improved a thing last open microphone lol i guess i did great with my improve. i will do it again. it will rule!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!LISTEN EVERYONE IN THE THEATER DEPARTMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is not suposed to be that much drama in the drama hall. everytime i walk down that hall something takes a nibble on my butt, yes my butt! and its all this jibber jabber of BLAH BLAH YOU DID THIS, I WANT THIS, YOU CANT DO THIS...
Please for the love of the drama hall, just come get a free hug from ryan and calm the fuck down!
THANK YOU> ehhehehehehehehhahhahaahahhahahha
i would like to thank to beautiful people, for with out them i wouldnt something or another. yeah that doesnt make sense and i love it!
it is late. i am tired. get ready cause im going to put all my poetry on here. let your minds soar above the clouds in my mind, and have fun reading, if you do.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
9:10PM
so i had a pretty freakin awesome weekend.
i went on a road trip, hung with my friend and then made new ones, i got to hike and fish and fish and i slepted in my car in a sleeping bag lol. it was awesome... except cops dont like you to sleep in your car is certain areas. it was beautiful up there, the leaves were just changing and all taht, and i chased COWS!!!!!!!! and deer chased me.... lol what can i say. but theres a dark side to everything, my trip back wasnt that good.
my car ran sooooooo freaking well all the way there and to newcastle and all that to go bowling, but when i started heading back i was in copper and stoped for a bite to eat and my car died... and died, and died again, so i filled up with gas and got back on the highway, well i was doing 30 in a 65 up the hill and had to pull over into an emergency pull off and park my car where it wouldnt start ever again. haha so i wasnt to mad cause i looked over the edge of the clift and i saw a creek, so i treked down the the 1000 yards or so and got to the bottom. well it was snowy down there so i treked back up, that was so steep! omgosh lol. no lie, and there was this family of hunters, like 10 kids and dad and mom, with guns, and i asked them "wheres the nearest town for gas" and there like "buga, uakjsdfjjh hjkfis hjaksdjf, george town." and i was like ahhhhhhh. and there dogs are mean, then my mom picked me up, it was cool tho.
i had two hookah partys, wednesday night was the best one, there was like 40 littleton kids there. then i went back last night, wild. lol
Thursday, October 6, 2005
Its 11:30 and finaly undercontrol, calmed by a drug... terrible, how i smoked tongiht wiht my buddys, but at the moment my world seems to have a fracture in its dark shell and the light is barly seeping in revealing my woonds. Passing away is the time, stuck in its ever repearting minuet. my radio plays an extacy of music... postal service of course, its on repeat, this allows the people who see, conjer up thought and reasoning for my sarrow. im going to try and break through this shell, but the trip is quite the distance, and in my way.. the unforgiving lands of my past with hills of and happyiness and pain. surpressing my anger, it just expands rupturing when it wants.
im to tired to type, maybe ill never wake, taht would be nice, at least a good 8 hours of sleep please!
Tuesday, October 4, 2005
tonight i came home, bolling my eyes out and hit the floor. Just straight flat out like a drug addict haveing a OD. I just cryed and cryed to my dad about everything. see i love her so so much but i cant go on. Is it right, fuck if i know.. i think i do deep in side tho. school is toppling down of me like a load of bricks. 8 Fucking classes. 8... yeah thats not much to say, but for me its the meaning between a life of happiness and a life of nothing. i just want to graduate so so so bad, and that deploma is dangling infrount of my face and all my teachers seem to care about is my college essays and all that shit, where as i just want to finish.
im so streessed and so done with life. i dont sleep, i dont eat, im loosing weight, i weighed 140 over the summer, i down to 128. i sleep about 23 hours... a week, thats like killing me.
LITERLY
SO i love her, and it feels like this is the first time ive ever heard her want me so bad, and im just not able to come back. i tried so hard and i feel like a SHIT ASS for fucking not, but something tells me itll make her happier in the end. i cant ever forget her, i regret, i remember, i care, i love her but god damn, i jsut dont care about living right now. ha
half of me wants to sweep her right of her feet and hold her so tight as i cry my love to her. The other half says it will end up the same, jsut like always, which on average is me fucking up, she not wanted to be with me, i feel like she doesnt want people to know, like shes ashamed and her friends probly hate me, inwhich they do, im sure.
works a bitch but seems to be a step away from ym real life.
so lose of weight, love, life.
i cant get much more, maybe ill passout into my dad again. probly. i cant explan how it is to me that well.
"Yea though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me."
i have no comfort. no protector.
Suffering through the pain
of dought and remorse,
that last thought controling
my mind.
Instant black,
stricken with pain,
colapsing to the ground
like a child does.
Thoughts thrown
like paper airplans,
"im so sad...
im so mad...
depressed..."
ready to let go.
My eyes acke the sarrow
in the form of tears,
surprizing is my every move.
every move grapling between life,
and well-- no life.
no holding back,
i have said every feeling
i have...
my father,he understands,
he comferts me.
i still depend on my close friends
but after venting i fear the worst.
another metal breakdown
and no love to repair the wounds.
I have to fucking sleep, its 12:29 am. im ding nice huh.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
9:56PM
OMG I HATE FUCKING LIFE.
So everyones falling to the ground,
spinning down like a burned out croud.
two torn apart
in these high school relationships,
18 years and ive never seen this.
sad cause im wrong
and never was right,
trying to fix,
ends up as a fight.
So around the next conner...
a road never taken.
we'll see what...
the ryan is baking...
hahahah. so i wanted to right what ever i feel. ending up as no big deal.
what can i say, writing makes me happy. hell, i even called my dad pappy.
the deal is, my heart is torn, im gunna fight the pain,and stop being a moron.
Word to it, i faught with my mom, just because she droped the homework bomb.
my brother sleeps, he has no older brother, just him and my.. Fed up mother.
Ha, my dads in cali fishing. he doesnt know but the suburbans missing.
lol ok so ive had my fun, im cheered up now. all that is done.
Current mood:  depressed Current music: Death Cab For Cutie
Sunday, September 18, 2005
ITS 7:21 am. Im sick, Im so tired, i cant fucking sleep. im almost in tears but not cause i feel like shit, not because my head is pounding, BEACUASE im a FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. i dont think ive ever wanted to die so bad! what the fuck am i do. i hate this life. im still in love and i cant let go. thats great now im tearing up. im so tired and i cant hardly walk and im so sad and i dont know what to do. do i just keep on the path i am, i dont want to cause it hurts, but if i change paths i jsut hurt everyone else.
GOD FUCKING DAMNIT, i hate myself. no one has any idea. i could let go of all hope so soon.
FUCKING 7:25am i had the worst dream yet it was so beautiful. i wake up and all i can think about is her. yeah we all know who. i dont know why im even doing this, this is probly the worst fucking idea in the world. im still in love.
i hurt so bad, what have i done, i had everything, god damit, i cant even see right now. cauese im crying.
I give up
I still love her...
Sunday, September 11, 2005
I want something to believe in, something to keep on the right path. i cant "believe" anything but im scared alone. My dad and i were hanging out this weekend at the lake and i said to him "dad, do you believe in god" and he said "I find myself doughting weather its all real yet...like when my mom died... I prayed for her everyday and watching her when the prist came made her so happy. In a sense i was religions thin." so i said to him "so you do believe" and he said "i believe theres a god.. but thats all i know."
Im right there with my dad. i believe theres a god but the funny thing is, ive noticed many people believe in what there parents believe. As for me, my family is two sided...
My dad, which you now know, believes in god and tahts it for that. he was raised romen cathlic.
My mom was raised Jewish where then was adopted and stayed jewish while she was in the house, as soon as she was out converted to christianity... probly spelt that wrong hahah.
soooo. im stuck. and i guess the whole reason for this is, i want something for back up when im down, something to believe in so its not so easy to let go of life.
Current mood: uncomfortable
Thursday, September 8, 2005
Depression, thats the problem i have diagnosed myself with. Thing is what is it thats really bothering me. I sit here at home and think to myself "You have a car to drive, a job to pay for it, lots of friends, caring parents, a home, clothes and everything" but what IS IT that bothers me to so much. Im stressed, and it hurts literaly! I have an acke in my stomach, my cheast hurts, my head ackes! im falling apart and the best part about all this is not one persons going to read this and care.
Is it bad to complimplate takeing myself out. No no, not out to dinner, more like, gone, disapear. I know i could, i could just leave, But i wont and would never cause i care about the people around me.
God what is missing, its funny cause i said god. i dont hav a religion but i want something to believe. i want someone to hold. i miss haveing that.
I going to find something to believe and fallow it, im guna look around and se what will help me.
I let myself start likeing someone a bit ago, shes a sweetie, and thats great... of course my heart still ackes from the loss of the one. she thinks i have just ran away but im sad, and maybe thats all my problem. it is time tho and thats how it must go. fuckin Ah, everytime i think about it i just want to die, im not happy yet i am, i cant make my mind up yet i do. i run, yet fight at the frount like, what am i! oh i got it, im a highschool fuck up who.. well could run away and people would be sad for maybe a week.
This isnt my realself-- or is it. i can take life by the horns, i dare god or life or whatever!! through me the worst fast ball you got, i can handleit. but what i cant handle is my heart! Fuck you life.
alrighty, im done with my venting, it coulda been better, now im happy and i feel better. hahah anyways at subway i droped a sandwhich lol lol lol . >someone save me from myself....
Saturday, April 2, 2005
so i tell you what, i could spend all day wineing and complaining in here but im not cool so ill just talk hahahahh. um for those who dont know me im ryan. i had a girlfriend. now i dont. im sad on the inside, happy on the outside. so today people, i felt like a dipshat. i went to a college party last night and well i drank, cuase it tasted good, but i got drunk and was a fool. i called the ex and made a dumbshat of myself and well called other people too ahahha. good times. i found out what a huka is, hmm. it was fun tho, they live next door so i say party on.
im feeling down all of a sudden, i miss molly. alot. i know she likes sean but what can i say. do. i cant do anything. that ship has sailed and im left at dock watching my love slip through the cracks as i watch the love sail into a choppy sea. storm clouds only screw with me today.
sometimes i feel like i make an ok impression with girls and then scare them off when im myself, i sometimes feel like i just dont deserve anyone, i probly dont, ive trashed my whole life and im scared i will go no where. ill admit it, im terrible at life. my life in two words is "rollar coaster" it has its high and lows, tobad i got the one with the longest downhill ever.
A golden sun shines its light upon my face
every morning.
A beautiful warmth.
Dew glistening on leaves,
Grass lightly frosted.
But what about the same cold feeling?
Im watching her from afar.
Watching her heart be stolen by another.
The days gets darker,
thunder clouds roll in.
A fast rain starts to fall.
I swipe my eyes to see clearly,
seeing them touch.
I hold myself back.
It hurts.
At last a calm peacefulness
takes me over.
my eyes close tell the sun shines again.
i wrote that a morning ago, waking up to complete scilence, hidden from the world. thats how i like it. the sun leaves a gold square on my wall and makes my rom glow. im warm and i jsut sit there totally relaxed fro the morning.
im going to bed so i can see the sun rise tomorrow. good night.
Current mood: lonely Current music: jazz
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